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Roadie
Gaff tape - roadie humor
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Warning: Some of these contain Adult language (it is roadie humor)
If you have kids around (some of us old roadies do),
come back to this page later!
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If you think a Roadie is someone who rides a bicycle, you won't get it. Go away!
If you think hangin' out with the band is "cool", you won't get it. Go away!
If you think Spinal Tap is a real band, you won't get it. Go away!
Special note and legal disclaimer to all you whiners:
We have tried to be equally offensive to all departments,
if you are easily offended Go away!
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One of our all time favorite quotes:

"Listen to the stage manager and get on stage when they tell you to.
No one has time for the rock star bullshit.
None of the techs backstage care if you're David Bowie or the milkman.
When you act like a jerk, they are completely unimpressed with the
infantile display that you might think comes with your dubious status.
They were there hours before you building the stage,
and they will be there hours after you leave tearing it down.
They should get your salary, and you should get theirs."

Lollapalooza Alumni- Henry Rollins



Click on a joke link below or scroll down the page
Double click anywhere on the page to jump back to this list
Top ten reasons not to bug the LD Little Johnny Stagehand A walk with the PM
Little Janie Stagehand Musician Survivor Bumper Sticker
Violin vs Cello Roadie Wisdom Language Barrier
Grow Up Country Music How many... light bulb?
Abuse Philosopher Persian Rug
Roadie Hell Bedtime story "Ralph the Roadie"
Passport Flush Music Drumming
Musician Hell Gig Butt Signs your an old roadie
Groupie Smooth Flight Favorite T shirt
Wild Night What, are you new? Scientific Study
Useful Expressions Promoters & Managers Shop Steward
Roadies Prayer Service Note Box Office
Einstein 5 Little Roadies K Mart
The conductor X-Ray Engineering Test
New Poll Stagehand?? Roadie Pledge
Excess Old electrician Observation
Old Roadie's Prayer Theater Terms Top ten sound peeves
Priceless Guaranteed Itinerary
Temptation Shotgun News Flash
Having fun yet? Lighting crew Overheard
5 Dogs Lighting Peeves Gaffer Tape
"Dear Roadie" St. Peter Madonna
Singers New medical terms Career choice
Safe Sex Roadie Rules Groupie VS
Smart Musician Design phases Club owner
Fairy Tale Blind Electric Snail
11 Foot Pole Actress Bagpipe
Accordion Agent Called Ferry Ride
BUBBA Roadie Rap Banjos
keyboard Player Career Ladder Pearly Gates
Stagehand Sex Smith & Wesson Easy Day
Musician- Bulb Acordian- Bulb Banjo- Bulb
Broken Thumbs Perfect Pitch 4 Sound Guys
Fishy Promoter Psychology Test Drummer King
lighting Techs
.

CLICK HERE TO SEND US YOUR ROADIE JOKES!
Thanks for all your submissions!

Top ten reasons not to bug the lighting designer.

10- "need to know basis"- *He doesn't know.
 9- *He might actually be working.
 8- *He could spill his beer.
 7- Heavily "medicated" and doesn't care.
 6- *He might know the problem is not really "in the snake".
 5- *He can't get you a raise.
 4- *He can't get you a bigger bonus.
 3- *He can get you fired.
 2- *He doesn't care how Allen would light it.
 1- *He's busy (thinking up ways to raise his design fee).

* Substitute She when appropriate.


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Little Johnny Stagehand

It was a rainy day and little Johnny was driving his Mom crazy because he couldn't go outside
to play then his Mom had an idea. "Johnny" she said, "There's a concert loading in at the
local Theater today. Why don't you go over there and see if they'll let you watch,
I'll bet that will be interesting."
So little Johnny got on his slicker and walked down the street headed for the local Theater.
His Mom thought it was odd that he was gone all day, but returned promptly at 5:00 PM
and said to her " I gotta eat now, it's been 4 hours since my last meal break,
and since I had to leave the theater, let's just make sure we both know ahead of time that I get
an hour and a half, and I go back on the clock for show call 30 minutes before the doors open"
Johnny's Mom thought her little angel was just repeating some of the conversations that he had
been able to overhear during the day, and smiled with amusement, her little boy was
experiencing an outing outside of her protective watch for the first time.
As she sat him down to nice bowl of Spaghetti O's, she asked little Johnny if he learned anything
while he was out for the day.
Johnny replied "I sure did Mommy! I worked with the Carpenters on the Stage Hand Crew!!!!!!
"She smiled again, tussled his hair and said,"tell me all about it!".................
Little Johnny slid down out of his seat, took a prominent position in the center of the kitchen,
put his hands on his hips and said.......
"Well Mommy, first thing was that the Fuckin Trucks from the Queer Assed Faggot Musical
Piece of Shit Show where a half a Fuckin Hour Late!
When those Long Haired Smelly Monkey Asshole Truck Drivers did Fuckin show up,
all those dick Smoker Drivers wanted to do was Fuckin eat! I don't know why,
that shit in the catering room looked pretty Fuckin Nasty to me. So anyway, when those
ZZ Top look alike speed popping hillbillies finished slurping down their Cream of Fuckin
Wheat at 10:45, one of those pork smokers got into his Fuckin Dirty Rusty Old Rig with
the bald baloney skin tires and guess what?
The one loser couldn't ram that fucker backwards in to the God damned fuckin hole.
The other stage hands told me to yell out, " I'm gonna glue some hair around the fuckin
loading dock door, then I'll bet you'll wiggle it in there, you idiot"  So I did, and we all laughed.
Then, the scummy road crew came out of their rolling God Damned Whorehouse Tour Bus.
You know the ones, with the picture of the Unicorn humping the Bitch with big Tits
airbrushed on the sides...... All these fuckin Pukes looked like they haven't seen
a shower in a month, and they smelled worse than the Drivers....
all these clowns cared about was Pussy. They each grabbed a Hosebag Slut who was
hanging out, then ran them back to the bus for a fuckin quickie.
When we finally got to start setting up their shit, It was a Fuckin Cluster Fuck and the
fat ass hole traveling Production Manager was the Fuckin Pivot man.
This gear was so Fuckin Lame, and so Fuckin heavy....it just Sucked.
Then the Dope Heads wanted to fly that hunk of Shit Lighting Rig
on our house pipes.... first we said FUCK YOU, then the Road Manager slipped our
Business Agent $500.00..... we still Bitched and Moaned, but said Fuck it.
Then the Bastards brought the falling apart Hunk of Shit Homemade Set out of the
God Damned Set Truck. That Fuckin thing was so beat up and busted we couldn't get the
door to fit onto its jamb, that thing was tighter that a Bull Frogs Ass, and that's
water tight Mom. So we decided to cut a Pussy Hair off one side off the door,
and God damn it that musta been a huge big curly ass pussy hair cause then the door was
too Fuckin Small. We were all so Mother Fuckin Disgusted,  we threw the door into
our dumpster, gave the Road Manager a bill for disposal, then went to the Titty Bar
for lunch, then we all hid up on the loading floor for the rest of the call........"

Needless to say, Johnny's Mom stood there in shock.   She managed to mutter
"Go to your room John, you just wait till your Father comes home."
When Dad got home Mom and Johnny met him in the foyer by the front  door,
Mom asked Johnny to repeat the story, and Little Johnny did word for word.............

Dad was stunned, he walked over to Johnny, knelt down, picked up the little boys chin so
he had to look in his eyes and said, "John, go out to the Tool Shed in the back yard and
bring me in The SWITCH, you're going to get a beating."
Little Johnny took one step back, looked at his dad square in the eye and said,

"Go Fuck Yourself, That's an Electrician's Job."

electrician
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Little Janie Stagehand

A family moved into a house next door to a theater.
The family's 6 year old daughter Janie took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the stagehands.
She hung around and eventually the crew more or less adopted her as a kind of apprentice.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,
and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing $25.00.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration
and suggested that they take her $25.00 pay to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked little Janie
how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

Janie proudly replied, "I've been working with the stagehands at the theater".

"My goodness ", said the teller, "and will you be working at the theater again this week too"?

"I will as long as those useless cock suckin road crews keep showing up with trucks full of
shit equipment that needs to be fixed before it can even be fuckin set up ", replied Janie.

Janie

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A walk with the PM

While working on an outdoor show near a beach, a Production manager and two roadies go for a walk after lunch. Strolling along the beach they find a lamp, one of the roadies picks up the lamp and jokingly rubs it, to their surprise a genie pops out. She tells them that she is required
to give 3 wishes and so they will each get one. The first roadie says he wants to be on a yacht full of beautiful women sailing around the world with no money worries and never tour again.
The second roadie says he's been touring with the 1st roadie for so long he never wants to see
him again so he'll have the same wish but on a different ocean.
Then it's the PM's turn, he thinks for a few minutes and says :
"I want them both back by show time"

lamp
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Musician Survivor

Seeing the success of the CBS TV “Survivor” series,
CBS Records has announced a new version of " Musicians Survivor."
This time, it's set in Texas.

The 6 musician contestants must travel from Amarillo through Ft. Worth,
Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, San Marcos, Waco and Lubbock...
and back to Amarillo, in an old tour bus with a big pink banner
on both sides that reads:
 "I voted for Gore, I'm gay and I'm here to take your guns."

The first to complete the round trip gets a recording contract.

punk rocker
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Our favorite bumper stickers:

friends don't let friends mix monitors!

Q: What's the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet?
A: The toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time!

Another favorite:

carpe perdiem
The one day a week that we like tour accountants!
Submitted by: Jim Cherry

Another favorite:

my other car is a prevost
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Violin vs Cello
violin

Q: What's the difference between a Violin and a Cello?
A: The Cello burns longer on a campfire!

Q: What's the difference between a Violin and a Fiddle?
A: A fiddle is fun to listen to.

Q: What's the other difference between a Violin and a Fiddle?
A: The fiddle has beer stains on it.

Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.


Q: What's the difference between drumsticks and guitars?
A: Drumsticks are better for kindling and guitars are better for firewood!




Q: Whats the difference between a fiddle player and a violinist?
A: About a $100,000 a year!

Submitted by: Steve I



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Roadie Wisdom

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need to get off the tour!

If you wake up in a hotel room and start wrapping up the power cord on the alarm clock,
you probably need to get off the road for a while!

If you get home and can't sleep without the sound of the bus generator,
a maglite and your pass by your bed, it's too late!

If you think "Q" is a word, it's too late!

If you think the red traffic light means "standby", it's too late!

If you have to ask your neighbor for directions to:
the local pup, supermarket, etc., you've been on the road too long!

Touring is like going to grade school: You're told when to get on and off the bus,
when to eat, when its playtime, when its naptime, sometimes there's a field trip,
you have to pay attention because there might be a test,
if you don't pass the tests you can't go on the next tour,
if you're a good student (roadie) the teacher (PM) will give you a star (swag),
if you misbehave you get sent home (on a good tour) or you get detention (you stay on a bad tour).

Always remember:
some days you're the bird and some days you're the statue,
Some days you're the dog and some days you're the hydrant.

"If life was fair:
Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past.
We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in
the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

There are two theories to arguing with a performer....
    .... Neither one works!



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Language Barrier

At a truck stop in Germany:
A German guy, looking for directions, pulls up to a tour bus
where two American roadies are getting on,

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two
continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The German guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first roadie turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language if we're going to be touring in Europe."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."


In Zambia, a British roadie has been sentenced to six years in prison
with hard labor for having oral sex with a twenty year old Zambian woman.
The magistrate sentenced the man for having sex "against the order of nature,"
despite the roadie's claims that he was unfamiliar with the law.
The magistrate said that ignorance was no excuse to break the law...

... Let this be a lesson - before traveling,
be well versed in the foreign tongue.


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Grow up

Wile watching a music show on TV,
a little boy runs up to his mother (a former groupie)and shouts,
"Mommy! Mommy!  I want to be a drummer when I grow up!"

The mother trying not to laugh sweetly replies, "You can't do BOTH, dear."

A short while later the little boy asks:
"Mommy, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage ?"
The mother again trying not to laugh replies:
"it's harder to hit a moving target."


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Country Music

Q: What was the last thing the country singer said before he died?
A: Hey Y'all watch this!

Q: What happens if you play country music backwards?
A: You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Q: What has 20 teeth, claps, dances around and sings along?
A: The front row at a country concert.

Two men were being held hostage and were going to be shot.
One of them was a country music lover and the other liked heavy metal.
Their captors granted them one last request before they died.
The country music lover said, "I would like to listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart', one last time."
The other guy says, "Please, shoot me first."

Submitted by: Tim Myer

Banjos

Mark Twian's definition of a gentleman:
A man that can play the banjo and doesn't.

Q. How many strings does a banjo have?
A. Five too many.

Q. What's the best way to tune a banjo?
A. With wire cutters.

Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A. The chain saw has a greater dynamic range and is more often in tune.


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UPDATED

How many.......does it take to change a light bulb?
Updates: Thanks to submissions by several anonymous roadies.

Q: How many Production managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "I'll get back to you on that."

Q: How many Lead Singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, He (or she) holds the bulb and the rest of the world revolves around him (or her).

Q: How many Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, But he (or she) has to do it 100 times untilhe (or she) gets the sound just right.

Q: How many NY stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, you got a problem with that?

Q: How many V*L salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eleven- One to get a tech to change the bulb and 10 to tell you how they did it on "Genesis".

Q: How many wardrobe (or catering) girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to call an electrician the second to keep the rest of the crew from hitting on her.

Q: How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they'll just fix it in the mix.

Q: How many Monitor engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "one,two,one,two,one,two,one,two"

Q: How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, get a fuckin electrician to do it.

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One: the new guy.

Q: How many riggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: " Hey we just hang it,
     if you want the bulb changed get your lazy ass up there and change it yourself !"

Q: How many backline techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know, I'll go out to the bus, wake one up and ask him.

Q: How many video techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know, I'll go to catering and ask one of them.

Q: How many tour accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Do we really need that bulb, can't we get by with the ones that are working,
    do you know how much those things cost?

Q: How many Lighting techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: LAMP! IT'S CALLED A LAMP, WHAT ARE YOU NEW?!!

Q: How many Drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours because he won't ask for directions to the bulb storage.

Q: How many house managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "I see the green M&M's in the rider, but I don't see anything about light bulbs"

Q: How many dyslexic stage managers does it take to light a change bulb?
Submitted by: Birdman

Q: How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six; one to change and the other five to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: How many Acoustic Guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, One to do it and nine to complain that it needs electricity.

Q: How many Actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 4, One to do it and three to discuss the motivation for the change.

Q: How many lighting co. owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "There are no bulbs on this tour, this will be the easiest tour you've ever done,
so we're going to pay you less and you'll be sharing a room."
Q: How many groupies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Groupies screw in dressing rooms, not in light bulbs!

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 11, one to change the bulb, 10 to clap.

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well... Does it have to be a lightbulb? Why can't it be a candle?

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I DONT CARE- JUST DO IT!!!!!!

Q: How many grips does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2, one to sweep up the glass and the other to pull out the base.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 101 - one to screw it in, 50 to be on the guest list and 50 to stand back and say:
  "Awww shit, I could do that!"

submitted by: Jackie


Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the guitar player has to show him how first.

submitted by: Mr. PM5D


Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None because the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.


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Equal opportunity abuse
Updates: Thanks to submissions by several anonymous roadies.

Q: Why do sound guys always say: "Test 1, 2" ?
A: Because you lift on 3 and If they could count higher they would do lighting.

Q: What's the difference between a rigger and God? 
A:  God doesn't think he's a rigger. 

Q: Why is lighting truss made of aluminum?
A: So it doesn't rust before the lighting crew can get it in the air.

Q: What did the truck driver get on his IQ test?
A: Drool

Q: Why does video use rope & sheaves to hang screens?
A: Because video and motors are two words that should never be used in the same sentence.

Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of musicians?
A: When the engine stops, the whining keeps going.

Q: What do you call 20 tour accountants at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp?
A: Give him a music chart.
Submitted by: anonymous (probably a guitar tech.)

Q: What does it mean when the RTA is flat during the show?
A: The sound engineer is dead.

Submitted by: Erik Wayne

Q: What's the difference between a backline tech and a baby?
A: Eventually the baby stops whining.

Q: How does a musician make his car faster?
A: Take off the "Domino's" sign.

Submitted by: Jim Cherry

Q: How do you get a musician of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What is a musician or actor without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a chick singer is knocking at your door?
A: She is always late and doesn't know when to come in.

Submitted by: Mike Hatchett

Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door?
A: The longer the knocking, the more out of time it gets.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
A: His amp.

Q: What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What do you usually hear when any roadie is in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise."

Q: How can you tell if a truck driver has been doing the crossword puzzle?
A: All the squares are colored in.

Q: What's the difference between a pig and a musician?
A: A pig won't stay up all night trying to sleep with a musician.

Q. What's the difference between a female singer and a light bulb?
A. The light bulb is smarter, but the singer is easier to turn on.

Q: How do you tell if a teamster is dead?
A: The doughnut falls out of his hand.

Q: How can you tell a teamsters kid at the playground?
A: He's the one watching the other kids play.

Q: How can you tell if a when a drum riser is level?
A: The drool comes from both sides of the drummer's mouth at the same time.

Submitted by: Jim Parker

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Submitted by: Jim Parker

Q: Why are these jokes so short?
A: So stagehands can understand them too.

Q:What's the difference between a cactus and a band bus?
A: The cactus has the pricks on the outside.

Q: What do you call a musician with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.

Q: What has 3 legs and an asshole on top of it?
A: A drum stool.

Q: How do you drown a lead singer?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?
A: Drops him off at band practice!

Submitted by: Monk

Q: Whats the hardest part of being a keyboard player?
A: Telling your parents your gay.

Submitted by: LT

Q. What do you throw a drowning drummer?
A. His hardware.


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Persian Rug

A roadie walks into a store that sells very expensive Persian rugs. As he bends over to examine a rug he farts, when he gets up he sees another roadie from the tour standing there so he asks him:
"how much do you think this rug costs?"
The other roadie replies:
" Buddy I hope you've been saving your per-diem,
because if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price!"


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Philosopher
(This one is for you corporate & TV techs)

Ancient Chinese philosopher Cha Ching once said:
"Corporate confusion converts to cash"

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Bedtime story

Q: What's the difference between how a roadie starts a bedtime story
    and how everyone else does?
A: Everyone else starts out: "Once upon a time",
    and a roadie starts out: "No shit man this really happened!"

Submitted by: Ann Thomas


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Roadie Hell

A monitor engineer died and went to hell (hard to believe we know)
where he found a hideous devil and 10 doors.
The devil was busy escorting other roadies to various other " hell rooms."
"I'll be right back--don't go away," said the devil, and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, he peeked in and saw a sound stage where a monitor engineer was condemned to eternal rehearsal with a very loud band with
2 lead singers and 3 guitar players He slammed that door and peeked into the second.
There, he saw a sound crew frantically trying to put out speaker and amplifier fires during a sold out home town show. Cautiously he opened the third door.
He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad or naked females
answering to roadies and stagehands every whim.
Before he could look in the other doors he heard the devil returning so
he quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay," said the devil, "lets see, you were a sound roadie so you have a choice of
door number 1 or 2, whats it gonna be?"
"Um, I want door number 3," he answered.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. that's female singer's hell."

Q: Why do female singers get yeast infections so often?
A: So they can know what it's like to deal with a miserable C**t!

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Musician Hell

When Keith Moon died he woke up and
found himself on a stage with instruments all set up.
A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison,
Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly.
Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up.
All of the instruments are taken but, to Keith's immense pleasure, the drums.
He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."
Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"
At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat
behind the drums, and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'.
One, two, three, four..."


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"Ralph the Roadie"
"Ralph the roadie" is our fictitious character (similar to "little Johnny"),
any similarity to any actual roadie named Ralph is purely coincidental.
We will be adding more "Ralph the Roadie" jokes here. Send us yours!

Swimming pool

Ralph the Roadie is approached by the lifeguard at the hotel swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "you're going to have to leave."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Ralph.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Catering

Ralph was notorious for telling vulgar jokes during dinner in the catering room.
After one particularly nasty example,
the catering girls decided to walk out the next time he started.
Ralph got wind of this plot, so the next day at dinner he walked in and said:
Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in Japan?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, girls," cried Ralph. "The flight doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Flight Home

During a flight home after a long hard tour Ralph was sleeping. Before the plane landed,
its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
Ralph, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who turned on the fucking lights!?"
"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights.
You slept through the 'fucking lights'."

Saved

Ralph is in the hotel lobby on a day off where a christian group is checking in.
Then he sees Jimmy Swaggart in the group so he walks up to him and says:
"I have a theological question, can a whore be saved?"
"Why, certainly," replied Swaggart.
"Great!" exclaimed Ralph. "Would you save me one for tonight?"

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Passport


A young wardrobe assistant is going on his first tour.
During rehearsal the production assistant tells him he must get a passport as they will be
touring all over the world. At the passport office, the government official sees that he is visibly
puzzled filling in his passport application. The passport official looks over his shoulder,
and sees him trying to write "whenever possible" into the small space labeled "SEX".
The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question,
We are asking Male or Female".
"Doesn't matter," he answered.
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Gig Butt

If three out of five roadies suffer from gig butt,
does that mean the other two enjoy it?


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Drumming

An explorer was leading an entourage through the Amazon jungle when they
heard the sounds of drums. At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked
him to explain their meaning. "Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said before running off.
The drum beating continued to pulsate. The safari leader asked another native about it.
"Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said.
A few minutes later the drums did stop, and all the expedition members became panicked.
The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation...
... "Bad, real bad that drums stop," he blurted. "Now comes bass solo!"


Q: What does a drum or bass solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there is nothing you can do about it.

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Flushing Music

In Norway, a composer is recording sounds and making music from noises generated
by a sewage treatment plant. The composer, Arne Nordheim, is using a computer that stores the
sounds emitted below ground every time a resident of Oslo flushes his toilet...

...Confirms what we think of some musicians!


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Signs your an old roadie

1. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces
    "I'm never going to drink that much again."
2. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. You don't drink on the bus to save money before going to a bar.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel and CNN.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. Eating a basket of chicken wings after load out would severely upset,
    rather than settle, your stomach.
9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
10. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
11. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids,
    not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
12. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
13. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
14.Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
15. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
16. Having sex in your bunk is absurd.
17. You're the one complaining because those darn kids
    in the back lounge don't know how to turn down the stereo.
18. Your best friend is dating someone half his age and isn't breaking any laws.
19. You prefer elevator music to whats been playing in the back lounge.
20. You start your conversation with new roadies; "When I was younger".
21. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
22. Suddenly that old 80's expression: "I got ten dollars" has a whole new meaning
      when you get your Viagra prescription filled!
23. Your closet door has all your tour passes hanging on the outside and
      your belts and neck-ties on the inside!

Thanks to submissions by numerous old roadies

old roadie

On the same subject:

The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman
asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared.
Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.
"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust,"
she confessed nervously. "And you look just like my dad."

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Groupie

A well known groupie went to her doctor for advice.
She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant
for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor knowing all about her groupie activities decided to have a little fun with her,
so he asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her,
"Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal
sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think promoters come from?"

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Smooth Flight

Flying to Las Vegas the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts"
sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," explained the stewardess, "up front there are 10 University of California girls
going to Las Vegas for the weekend. In back, there are 10 roadies. What would you do?"

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A roadie's favorite T-shirt
No, not any free shirt!

T shirt front T shirt back

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Wild Night

Two girls were comparing their experiences after a wild night at a concert.
"Did you get laid, Mona ?" Her friend asked "Twice." answered Mona "Only twice?"
"Yeah, once by the crew and once by the band !

sluts

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Scientific Study

A recent study by a show business trade magazine showed that the kind of male face a
female singer finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features
such as a rigger or truck driver and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to
a manager with scissors shoved into his temple.

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What, are you new ?!
This one is Pam's favorite

A lighting tech., packing for his first tour, asks his girlfriend to
include condoms in his suitcase. His girlfriend instantly asks why?
He replies, "Just a precaution if I want to try something different."
She grabs a wrench from his tool belt, drops it into one of his socks, swings it
in the air, and WHAM !! swings it up between his legs... After much
pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the hell did you do that?"
She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different."

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Useful Expressions

Useful Expressions for your next production meeting

1) I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2) What part of "NO" don't you understand?
3) How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4) It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6) Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7) You are validating my inherent mistrust of others.
8) I'm already visualizing the gaff tape over your mouth.
9) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10) Some day, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
14) You sound reasonable...time to up my medication.
15) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
16) How do I set a laser printer to stun?
17) Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
18) Not the brightest crayons in the box now, are we?
19) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
20) Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
21) I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
22) Don't feel bad, a lot of people have no talent!

Useful Expressions when firing someone

1) How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
2) Your village called, they want their idiot back!
3) Earth is full, Go home!
4) You! Off my planet, you're wasting good gravity!
5) You're not completely useless, I can use you as a bad example!

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Promoters and Managers
(Most of these are interchangeable between manager and promoter)
Thanks to submissions by several anonymous roadies.

Q: How do you know when a promoter is lying to you?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a promoter?
A: About four pounds, including the urn.

Q: What does a promoter and a sperm have in common ?
A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What does it mean when a manager is in bed and gasping for breath?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What do you tell a manager with two black eyes?
A: Nothing - you've already told him twice.

Q: What's the difference between a promoter and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on the trampoline.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a promoter?
A: A large Doberman.

Q: What do you call 20 managers at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.

Q: How do you keep a manager from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning promoter?
A: Your rider.

Q: How do you tell if a promoter is dead?
A: Wave money around.

Q: How many promoters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's the only thing they won't screw.

Q: What's the difference between a promoters office and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and New York get all the promoters?
A: New Jersey got to pick first.

Q: If you throw a promoter and a manager off the balcony, who would hit first?
A: Who cares.

Q: If you drop an entertainment lawyer, a manager and a promoter off a balcony,
    what do you get?
A: Applause

Q: What should you do if you see the promoter staggering in the parking lot?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: What do UFO's and honest promoters have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What's the difference between an honest promoter and a UFO?
A: People have reported sighting UFO's

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and honest promoters?
A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: Why do promoters have a clear conscience?
A: Because it is unused.

Q: What's the difference between a promoter and a dog ?
A: Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

Q: What's the difference between a horse's tail and a managers tie?
A: The horse's tail covers up the entire asshole.

Q: If you are a stone's throw away from a promoter what should you do?
A: Throw stones.

Q. How do you get a promoter out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What’s the difference between a promoter and a catfish.
A. One is an ugly, foul smelling, bottom feeder and the other’s a fish.

A man was on vacation when he ran into an old acquaintance.
"Hi, John," he said. "I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm a promoter," whispered John.
"But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."



Box Office

A promoter is trying to get to the box office through a large crowd at a concert.
All of a sudden he feels someone massaging his back.
He turns around and says to the man behind him, "What do you think you're doing?!"
The man apologizes profusely and explains he is a chiropractor and says,
"When I noticed how tense the muscles were in your back,
I couldn't help myself and just did what I do normally."
The promoter says, "That's no excuse... I'm a promoter..
do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

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Shop Steward

A dedicated union shop steward was at a convention in
Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame,
"Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man
stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued through 5 houses until finally he reached
a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around
the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame,
gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, ...
"but Ethel here has seniority."

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Roadies Prayer

Our labor pimp, who art insolvent,
How low-browed be thy crew.
My paycheck come, thy will be done,
On site as it is in planning.
Give us this day our sporadic gig,
and forgive us our slack,
as we forgive those who slack against us.
And lead us not into accounting,
but deliver us from all video.
For thine is the Minimum,
The Overtime,
and the Afternoon off.
Forever or a while,
I hope
Amen

roadie ramp

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Service Note

Actual note written on a piece of equipment sent back to a shop for repair:
"Does not work in the 'O-F-F' position"

Actual reply sent to the tech on tour by the company owner:
"You're Fired!"

Moral & all time #1 roadie rule:
If it doesn't work, plug it in, if it still doesn't work, turn it on!

pissed off

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Einstein

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.
"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry,
but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
They enter the dorm and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
"Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the theater!"
"And here is your last room mate. His IQ is only 60!"
Albert smiles at him and says, "So, what instrument do you play?"

musician

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5 Little roadies

5 little roadies looking for a score,
One smoked some rotten hash now there's only 4.
4 little roadies going on a spree,
One went corporate, now there's only 3.
3 little roadies smelling like a zoo,
One copped some hotel soap, now there's only 2
2 little roadies on a day off and having fun,
One met a city cop, now there's only 1
1 little roadie stoned as he can be,
Unveiled his secret stash, now there's 43.

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K Mart

Q: What do K Mart sales and bus back lounges have in common?
A: Girls clothes- half off.

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The Conductor

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.
He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,
but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help,
they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Submitted by: Tim Myer

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X-Ray

A roadie hurts his leg during a load in and is sent to the hospital.
The nurse has been wanting tickets to the show he is on so she is flirting heavily.
She decides to try and make him laugh to get his mind off the pain.
Just as he was about to get an X-Ray, the equipment slipped
and she pretends that his pelvic region was X-rayed instead.
"Oh, no!? cried the nurse." Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!"
"What does that mean?" asked the roadie.
"It's serious," replied the nurse.? "All your children will be musicians!"

musician

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Engineering Test

Question on a Tennessee University engineering test:
At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the
interstate to breed a country western singer?

Submitted by: Tim Myer

country singer

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Recent Poll

A recent poll by a entertainment web site says that
the first thing roadies notice about female singers and dancers is their eyes.
The first thing the female performers notice about the roadies is
they're a bunch of liars.

female singer

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Stagehand ??

A girl comes home from a night at a club and her roomie wants to know if she's met a guy.
She says, "yes I met this cute guy and I think he's a stagehand".
"Why do you think he's a stagehand?" the room-mate asks.
"Well", the girl says, "He asked me to dance and when we got out on the floor
he said he didn't know how and could I teach him.
Then halfway through the song he said he had to take a 15 minute break.
He came back 40 minutes later and asked if I could show him how to dance again
because he forgot while he was on break.
Then when the song was over he asked me for a T-shirt!

Submitted by: Jim Parker

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Roadie Pledge

When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you
plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are too drunk, ...I'll take her and get laid for you.

When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about
how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick.....stay away from me until you're well again.
I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask?
Because you're my roadie friend!

True Roadie Friend

Q: How can you tell if your fellow roadie is a true friend?
A: A good friend will come bail you out of jail ......
but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,
"Damn we fucked up!!!!."

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Excess

When I was a child I always thought that all the king's horses
and all the king's men to fix one guy was a bit excessive.
Then when I got older and started touring I realized they must have been Teamsters.

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Old Electrician

Did you hear about the Electrician who traded in his 40 year old wife for two 20 year olds?
A couple of weeks later a friend saw him with another 40 year old women.
The friend asked, "What happened to your two twenty-year-olds?"
The electrician replied, "they wore me out, I've learned that I'm not wired for 220!"

old roadie

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Old Roadie's prayer

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Observation

Stagehands play Basketball or throw a Football.
Road crews play Softball.
Management usually has a preference for Golf.
Conclusion: As you go up the ladder, the balls reduce in size.

balls

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Theater Terms for the New Roadie or Stagehand

In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
And of course-
Left is right and right is left
A drop shouldn't and a
Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't and
A cove has no water
Tripping is OK
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)
And a green room, thank god, usually isn't
Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,
Break a leg.
But not really.

Submitted by:Jack Fordyce

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  A Live Sound Engineers Hate List  

Top Ten Sound Techs Pet Peeves

1. Lighting guys
2. 5 minute set changes
3. 105 Volts
4. Elevators and stairs load-ins
5. 14 Ethnic acts in 12 hours
6. Volunteer stagehands
7. People who sit in front of the PA and complain its too loud
8. Mixing monitors from front of house
9. Mix positions in stupid locations
10. Band gear

Top Ten Stupid Sayings from the Audience

1. What would happen if I did this (with simulation of twisting knobs on the console)
2. That would sound great in my living room
3. Do you know what all those knobs do?
4. Are you the DJ?
5. Where is the talent knob?
6. Can I keep my coat here?
7. I can't hear the vocals !!!
(from the stars girlfriend, during the first 5 seconds of the first song)
8. Do you get to meet the band?
9. Can't you count higher than 2?
10. It's too loud (While they're sitting in front of the stacks)

Submitted by:Jack Fordyce

bad singer

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Priceless

Cab fare to the airport: $25
Window seat in coach: $650
Telling the band they suck: Priceless!

Don't fly home without it!
Don't fly home without it!

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Guaranteed

If you paint a line on the stage, these things are almost guaranteed:

1- The director will say it's in the wrong place.
2- The designer will say it's the wrong color.
3- The producer will say it's not in the budget.
4- The dancers will trip on it.

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Itinerary

Q: What's the difference between a whether man and a tour itinerary?
A: The weather man is more accurate!

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Temptation
This is another one of Pam's favorites

A recently married roadie was out on a very long tour with no breaks.
He was getting tempted by all the hot bimbos at the shows and finding it hard to resist.
He told his wife on the phone about his lonlieness and temptations and asked her:
"Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be so tempted?"
The next day his wife sent him an overnight package with a harmonica and a note saying,
"Why don't you learn to play this? Whenever you get tempted practice playing it"
Eventually the tour came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
"Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
His wife said:
"First, let me hear you play that harmonica!"

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Shotgun

Q. Why is a performer's relative like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
A. It won't work and you can't fire it!

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News Flash

'Nsync singer Lance Bass is undergoing Soyuz 5 training and
familiarization tour at Johnson Space Center in Houston.
Bass hopes to clinch a deal with the Russians soon and fly to the station in two months.
He is in Houston training with two other members of the crew.
I can hear the call now.....
"Houston: We have a prema-donna"

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Having fun yet?

A Russian front of house engineer, a Mexican electrician and an
American monitor engineer become friends during a multi act world tour.
On a long awaited day off they go out to a bar together.
They see a female singer they know from the tour so they join her at the bar.
The Russian FOH engineer asks the bartender for a shot of vodka,
he downs the vodka and throws the shot glass into the air, pulling out a pistol, he shoots the
glass in mid air, he smiles turns to his friends and asks "Comrades, are we having fun yet?"

The Mexican electrician says "That's nothing, Give me two bottles of tequila."
He tosses both bottles of tequila into the air, pulls out a six shooter,
and blows both bottles away spattering glass and Tequila around the room.
He turns to his friends and says with a huge grin "Amigos are we having fun yet?"

The monitor engineer shakes his head and says "That's nothing, give me a beer."
He throws the beer bottle into the air, pulls out a pistol,
shoots the female singer and replies.... "My friends Now we're having fun!"

Submitted by an anonymous monitor engineer

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Lighting crew

On a day off the lighting crew of a heavy metal tour are walking down the street and pass a bar...
Hey, it could happen!

Submitted by an anonymous hum head

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Overheard

Overheard band conversation:

Locked the keys in the van at the gig friday night,
it took us an hour to get the drummer out.

Submitted by: Bruno Caliente

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5 Dogs

Q: What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
A: The Spice Girls!

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lamp bar

Top Ten Lighting Guys Pet Peeves

1. Sound guys
2. The band
3. Sound guys
4. Backline guys
5. Sound guys
6. Video guys
7. Sound guys
8. Stage Managers
9. Sound guys
10. Did we mention sound guys?

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Gaffer Tape

Q: What do The Force and gaff tape have in common?
A: They both have a light side and a dark side, and they both hold the universe together.

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Dear Roadie

An American roadie was on a long tour,
he was in Europe when he received a "Dear John" Email from his girlfriend.
In the Email she explained that she had slept with two guys while he's
been gone and she wanted to break up, AND she wants the pictures of herself back.
So he went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos
of women he could find including some very crude back lounge Polaroids.
He then mailed about 25 pictures to her with the following note:

"I'm sorry, but I can't remember which one you are. Please
take any that belong to you and send the rest back."
Thank you.

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St. Peter

A musician died in a van wreck coming home from a show.
As he stands at the gates of heaven, St. Peter checks over the list;
"I see you were loved by many fans, you did a lot of charity work too."
"Yeh,... well I did the best I could" , says the musician.
St. Peter reads on in the records; "and I see you were even good to
your roadies, very commendable, well it looks like you can come into heaven,...
go around to the back, past the dumpsters and load in through the kitchen!"

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Madonna

Madonna says she wants to shed her Material Girl image
and start helping the world. She told Britain's Daily Mirror:
"I'd like to be more involved in making the world a better place"

Here's a suggestion: Stop making films!

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Singers

Overheard part of conversation of a singer and actress:
"Why be just disagreeable, when with a little more effort you can be impossible?"

female singer

Q. What's the difference between a pit bull and a lead singer?
A. Lipstick.

Submitted by:Wayne Rakeq

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New medical terms

The new PC (Psychiatric Correctness) requires a reclassification of the following terms:

Artistic Temperament - Now to be known as Borderline Personality Disorder with co-morbid
depression indicated by mood swings and interchanging periods of elation and inertia.

Inspiration - Now to be known as Paranoid Delusional State fixated on
self-aggrandizement accompanied by co-morbid hyperactivity.

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Career choice

During an interview with a lighting magazine a lighting designer was asked,
"How did you become an LD?"
He answered "I started out as an electrician with a local lighting company."
Why did you get a job as an electrician?" he was asked
"That was my dad's suggestion when I was 16" he answered, Dad said:
"you should become an electrician, you've already spent most of your life grounded!"

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Safe Sex

Q: What is a Roadies idea of safe sex?
A: Lock the back lounge door.

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Roadie Rules

1. If it is dry, smoke it.
2. If it is wet, drink it.
3. If it smells good, eat it.
4. If it smells bad, leave it for the musicians.
5. If it moves, screw it.
6. If it doesn't move, LOAD IT ON THE TRUCK!

Submitted by an anonymous young roadie

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Groupies VS

What is the difference between a groupie and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball,
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to,
You can't fit a groupie inside a bowling ball.

How are a groupie and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw
them in the gutter and they always come back for more.

Why is a groupie like a door knob?
Everyone gets a turn.

Whats the difference between a groupie and a broom closet?
Only 2 men can fit inside a broom closet at once

What's the difference between a groupie and a rooster?
A rooster goes cock-a-doodle-do, a groupie says any cock will do.

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Smart musician

How do you know when a musician is about to say something smart?
When they start a sentence with "A roadie once told me...."

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The six phases of a design

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Punishment of the Innocent
6. Praise and Honor for the Non-Participants

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Club Owner

A truck driver shows up at a gig with the truck a wreck
and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
The rest of the crew asks, "What's happened to the truck?"
"Well," the driver responded, "I ran into the club owner last night."
"OK," says the sound guy, "that explains the blood. But what about the
leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all the way through the park..."

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Fairy Tale

Q. How does a Union Fairy Tale Start?
A. Once upon a time and a half.

Submitted by: Ffaelan

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Snail

Two teamsters had just gotten done with a call, as they were
leaving the venue one of them saw the other step on a snail.
"Why did you step on that snail?" asked his perplexed coworker.
"Because that damn thing has been following me around all day!"

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Blind Electrician

Q. What happens to lighting techs when their eyesight goes bad?
A. They become designers.

Submitted by: Gary Rock

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Actress

Q. What's the difference between Jell-O and an actress?
A. Jell-O moves when you eat it.

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11 Foot Pole

Q. Why do some roadies carry an 11 foot pole?
A. For the girls no one will touch with a 10 foot pole.

Submitted by: Michael Anton

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Bagpipe

Q. What is the difference between a lawn mower and bagpipe?
A. You Can Tune A lawnmower.

Q. How do you stop the spread of aids?
A. Let a major record label distribute it.

Submitted by:Wayne Rakeq

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Accordion

There is an accordion player driving home from a late night gig.
Feeling tired he pulls into a local store for some coffee.
While waiting to pay he remembers that he locked his car doors
but left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car.
He rushes out only to realize that he is too late.
The back window of his car was smashed and somebody
had already thrown in two more accordions.

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Agent Called

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house.
His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside.
"What happened, honey?" the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang,
it was your agent. Because I was on the phone I didn't notice the stove was on fire.
It went up in a second, everything is gone, I nearly didn't make it out of the house..."

"Wait! Back up a minute," The man says. "My agent called?"

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Ferry Ride

After a grueling stretch of shows in Europe an American roadie was on a ferry ride to the UK.
The only seat available on the boat was directly adjacent to a well dressed
middle aged English woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary roadie asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."
The English woman looked down her nose at the American roadie, sniffed and said,
"You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people, can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip to the front of the boat and back, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady, May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted
"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The roadie didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog,
tossed it overboard and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know son,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road,
and now you've thrown the wrong bitch overboard!

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BUBBA Roadie

Q. Why do southern roadies screw their cousins doggie style?
A. So they can both watch nascar.

Submitted by an anonymous "Good Ol Boy"

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Rap

Q. What kind of microphone works best for an rapper?
A. A wireless with a dead battery.

Q. What's the best thing to play on a rappers turntable?
A. A sledge hammer!

Q. What is the dynamic range of a rap "band"?
A. On or off.

Q. How can you tell the difference between all the rap songs?
A. By their names.

Q. When do rap songs sound the best?
A. When they're over.

Q. What's the difference between a rapper and a Crow?
A. One makes loud and obnoxious noise and the other is a bird.

Q. What do you get when you play rap music backwards?
A. Rap music.

Q. What's worse than a rapper?
A. Rappers.

Oxymoron - Rap music.

Note: you can not have crap without the rap!!!!!

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Pearly Gates

Two stagehands, a carpenter and an electrician, were walking across the stage at the
Metropolitan Opera when a large piece of scenery fell on them and killed them both.
As all good stage hands go straight to heaven,
they were met outside the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who said:
"Boys you've been exemplary stagehands and so as a reward I have been authorized
to offer you a last wish before going into heaven for your just reward."
The Electrician piped up and said, "I have never seen a perfect blackout,
there are always aisle lights, exit lights, running lights and that damn glow tape,
I would like to see a perfect blackout."
This surprised Saint Peter but he snapped his fingers and poof it was dark, really dark.
After a few seconds the Electrician said "Thank you, that's enough you can turn the lights on again."
Saint Peter snapped his fingers and the firmament lights up again in all its glory.
Saint Peter tells the Electrician "You may now enter the Pearly Gates,
hey what the hell happened to the Pearly Gates?"
To which the Electrician replied "Oh, the carpenter struck them during the blackout".

Submitted by: Tim Williamson

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Career Ladder

The Typical Theatre Career Ladder:

You start as a Carpenter until you blow out your back.
You work FOH until you blow out your ears.
You become an Electrician until you blow the Business Agent.
You become Head of Props.

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Stagehand Sex

Q: What does a stagehand smell like after sex?
A: Mace.

Submitted by: Mark Sasahara

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Smith & Wesson

Q:What does a Smith & Wesson and The Union hands have in common?
A: Always loaded, never works and you can't fire it!

Submitted by: Danny

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Easy Day

Touring tech: While helping the local stagehand break down tour equipment we converse slightly.
Stage hand:"Today is an easy day for me. I don't have to use my brain at all."
Touring tech: "Oh. You're in the band?"

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Another bulb joke

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two...one to chop a line out and one to call a roadie.

Submitted by: Andy Matthews

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Another Acordian joke

Q: How can you tell when an accordian player is ringing your doorbell?
A: The doorbell sounds like shit!

Q: What's the difference between an accordian player and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when an accordian player gets sliced up.

Submitted by: Andy Matthews

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Another Banjo joke

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody sheds a tear when you cut a banjo in half.

Submitted by: Deaf as a Stump

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Yet Another Banjo joke

Q. What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A. When you throw the banjo in the dumpster and it hits the accordian.

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Broken Thumbs

Q: How do you break a light guys thumbs?
A: Kick him in the ass.

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4 Sound Guys

Q: What do you get when you put 4 sound guys and 96 lesbians in a room?
A: 100 people who don't do dick!

Submitted by: Krista Iskra

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Psychology Test

An architect, an engineer and a stagehand go into a psychologists office for a study.
The psychologist says, "I'm going to put you each in your own room,
in which there are three balls about the size of pool balls,
leave you there for a half an hour, then see what you've accomplished."
So he leads each one to their rooms and closes the doors behind them.
He waits the half an hour then walks down the hall to the architects room.
Upon opening the door he sees the three balls spread out in the room to form a triangle,
to which he says, "I see. Round balls, triangle, square room. Clear definition of form...
exactly what I'd expect from an architect."
He then heads down the hall and opens the door to the engineers room.
Inside he finds two balls sitting on the floor and the third balanced on top of them.
"Ahhh, defying physics... true engineering."
He then heads to the room with the stagehand in it, and opens the door.
When he looks in, he sees one ball broken in half,
another is totally missing and the third is in the stagehands mouth.
He is at a loss for words and can only manage to eek out,
"What in the fuck happened here?!"
To which the stagehand, after pulling the ball out of his mouth, replies:
"I swear to God man, it was like this when I found it,
and the roadie told me I could take one!"

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Drummer King
(More drummer abuse)

Fed up with continual abuse a drummer decides to become a guitarist.
Marching up to the salesman he confidently announces that he wants a
Fender Stratoblaster and a Marshwatt amplifier.
The salesman replies, " You're a drummer, aren't you?"
Taken aback the drummer says, "Yeah, how did you know?"
"This is Burger King," comes the reply.

Submitted by: Grottblatt

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Because We Can
(More Lampy abuse)

Don't ask a Light Tech why.. the answer is always the same:
BECAUSE WE CAN!

For example:

Q: Why Do you use those blinders so often?
A: BECAUSE WE CAN!

Q: Why do you need such a big ligthing desk?
A: BECAUSE WE CAN!

Q: Why do you drink so much?
A: BECAUSE *burp* WE CAN!

Submitted by: Jupilears


The number of people on the planet Earth is now approximately:
Yes that's Almost 7 BILLION + !!, Stay on the road and don't reproduce!


Catering Suck?
chef
Click here
The Hunger Site
The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your bus garbage bin probably eats better
than thirty percent of the people in this world.
In between tours?
Put your carpentry, electrical
or painting skills to work here.
You'll feel really good about it!
click here
Habitat for Humanity
Habitat for Humanity

 Or if you want to save the planet
care2
click here


 

Thank you for visiting, our wish to you: 
May your travels be safe, your beer cold and your gig butt heal !

This site is updated frequently,
Tom
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